On Being Thrifty

Position: PENURIOUS

When it comes to saving money, I’m all for it. As a nearly Old Age Pensioner I am thoroughly looking forward to my birthday when a surfeit of discounts will fall my way. Among the benefits I will be eligible for are bus passes, theatre tickets and (finally!) reduced portions and prices on menus in restaurants across America. As long as you can stomach boiled chicken it’s an attractive option. Most portions in this country are enough to feed a family of four and are priced accordingly. Respecting the demands of my reduced metabolism is almost as satisfying as saving a few dollars.

In this post-Covid era of price gouging and surge pricing, there’s a new last-minute kid in town – the ‘company’s choice’ discount. This is the mystery option. You don’t know what you’ll get for a hotel room, air ticket, or car rental until you make the booking. Only then are the full details revealed. Your Chicago to Phoenix itinerary may take you via Iceland, but you’ll save 25% or more. And if you ever wanted to see Iceland, I guess you could forget about your connecting flight and head into Reykjavik instead.

Mystery

One aspect of the mystery deal is that everyone is in on the game. I recently booked a rental car via Orbitz that laundered an offer from Thrifty, which turned out to be from Hertz. Let me clarify.

When I went to collect the car, Thrifty had my reservation and confirmed it using only my last name. A few years ago, that bit of internet magic was a complete crap shoot. It seems the connectedness of the various IT systems improved a great deal during the pandemic. All those coders working from home digging into the bottom reaches of their Kanban priorities (it’s a thing in modern coding, trust me. Or ask your kids, if they’re into Dev Ops.).

The cherry on this towering cake of middlemen came when my counter assistant pointed me, not towards Thrifty’s cars, but Hertz’s. Handing me the contract, he had written on the envelope: Hertz, AREA 3, ANY CAR in bold black marker. “Hertz”, he assured me, “will be your pick-up and drop-off company.” (In case you don’t know, Hertz owns both the Thrifty and Dollar car rental brands. It seems their database analysts finally completed the acquisitions.)

Dragging my tired ass out to the back forty I found Hertz’s Area 3 and picked a dark blue, all-electric Kia Niro, per the mystery offer rules. Checking the charge level, I carefully adjusted the mirror and seats, connected my phone, and pulled the steering wheel towards me. A quick review of the controls and I moved off. My first destination was the exit booth. The place where they double check that you are allowed to take the car off the lot.

Roulette

The splendidly bearded attendant looked up from his phone and took my license and the contract, then zapped the car with his barcode scanner. “Uh-oh! This car’s been assigned to another renter. Sorry. You’ll have to take it back and choose another.” Muttering, I did as I was asked. Another Niro, another colour. White this time. “Hi there! I’m back, here’s my contract and license. I have a feeling this is a bit like Russian roulette.” The beard gratifyingly chuckled at my quip. Beep went the barcode scanner. “Uh, gee. I’m sorry, this one has been assigned, too. Hang on. I’m going to check the inventory system.”

A couple of minutes later I was told to pick any car from the Gold section. Any car that wasn’t in the Reserved Gold section, I surmised. The shiny black Niro from New York had on 9924 miles on it and 188 miles in the battery. I went through my adjustments and by this time knew how the vehicle worked. Not wishing to tempt fate a third time, I pulled into the bay next to the beard staffed by a young woman. In no time she got me out of the lot and into a traffic jam.

Magic

That any of this ephemeral digital stuff works at all is a kind of magic. At some point in the near future an AI bot will replace all the guesswork. An app on my phone will light up with a green light when I find a car that meets the terms of the contract and is available. In the meantime, we will have to cross that hairy Rubicon where humans and machines will surely make things worse, even as they promise they are making things better. Saving money, it appears, will remain a perennial mystery.

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