Awww, Futtocks!

We are in Italy. We should learn Italian, no? Instead, my friend Tim called me the other morning in the wee hours his time and asked me, ‘How are your futtocks, old man?’ Bemused and caught a little off guard by the term, I replied that my futtocks were fine, how are yours?

Oh Those Brits

Ever the Anglophile and philologist, it turns out that Tim had run across two British eccentricities bound up in the same story. The catalyst was, of coarse [sic – ed.], the adventurer Tim Fitzhigham and his wonderful tale of rowing the English Channel in a bathtub. Having crossed the English Channel in Aleta and read the entire Aubrey/Maturin series, I was in familiar territory.

For those of you superficially aquainted with English culture, one of its tenets is the concept of ‘having a go’. That is to say, ask most any Brit if they’d like to try something they’ve never done before, they’ll reply, ‘Well, I’ll have a go’, or ‘…a bash’. This attitude is perhaps best exemplified by George Harrison in A Hard Day’s Night. (George was my elder sister’s favourite Beatle and many years later I came to appreciate why.) In a key scene he is asked (by proxy) if he can read lines, George replies, ‘Well, I’ll have a bash.’

Crapper or Bust

Thus, when Tim Fitzhigham discovered the Channel had never been crossed in a bathtub, he decided he’d have a go. After securing a copper bathtub from Thomas Crapper & Co, he needed instruction on maritime law. Eventually, he called the navy and through a mix up with the switchboard was put through to a rear admiral. Fitzhigham’s only seafaring relative was his great uncle, who advised him to start any conversation with a member of the Royal Navy with the question, ‘How are your futtocks, old man?’ To which the proper reply is, ‘At their furthest reach, dear boy.’ With that greeting, the admiral and the Royal Navy were soon on board.

When (my) Tim told me this, I was chagrined for not having known this morsel of English seafarer’s wit. But then I forgave myself. After all I hadn’t served in Her Majesty’s Navy and my early legal studies, which included several stories of nautical cannibalism, completely put me off the idea of signing on. The story of the Mignonette was one of those cases that almost made me a barrister.

Fitzhigham went on to achieve fame and (mis)fortune as a BBC presenter. More importantly he is keeping the memory of the legendary musical comedy duo Flanders & Swan alive. I grew up on F&S and still love their humour. Bravo Tims!

The Original Flanders & Swan