Dogs Should Have Tails

Hi Guys – Marlon here. You know, I’ve had a lot of time to think about things in the past few weeks. I know you peoples think I’m just snuggling up and sleeping with you, but under the hood my mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives (I love Blazing Saddles!). One thing that’s always bothered me is other dog’s tails. Especially when they’re missing. I don’t get it. I have mine. It’s not perfect, but then who’s is? Over the years I’ve grown to love the crick in my tail. I don’t even think about it much anymore.

Anyway, there’s a natural order to things that peoples somehow mess up. All that energy they spend redirecting rivers, hollowing out mountains, and paving perfectly good fields in the name of progress. So why is it peoples dock puppy’s tails? Farmers and ranchers tell them it’s so the dogs won’t catch their tails in a gate. I’ve run through gates and doors thousands of times. I never caught my tail – not even once. To paraphrase ol’ Ross Perot, I guess when you’re a cattle rancher with a lot of bulls, you get a lot of bullsh*t.

So now we’re on to the aesthetic. That’s a good word – aesthetic. Kind of rolls off my doggy tongue (but I have a little bit of a lisp). There’s the, “I grew up with dogs that had docked tails, so I guess that’s the way they’re made” argument that is simply bogus. Or the, “boxers have long pointy tails that might sweep the knickknacks off the coffee table” argument that is just selfishness. Dogs, mostly all the ones I know at least, come with tails. It’s not an accessory. It’s how we evolved. And even the dumbest purebreds can figure out how not to do something within a few treats. I know I can – but then I’m not purebred. ‘Nuff said.

Besides, my tail plays an important and underestimated role in keeping me steady on my paws. If you’ve ever seen a Border Collie and their peoples at work, it’s a wonderful thing. Their peoples respond to commands by whistling, sometimes hundreds of yards away! The collies walk around the sheep, chatting with them and getting them organized, and you can see their people’s arms going straight out, balancing them in the wind. Just like our tails do. They help us balance.

Certain dog breeds lose their tails more than others. Guard dogs like Rottweilers, Dobermans, Pit Bulls, and Boxers all seem to get their tails snipped off at birth. Makes them look tough. Mostly makes them mean and grouchy. They spend a lot of time thinking about how much better life would be with their tails. Some of them go to their doctor and ask for enhancement surgery to put their tails back. Their doctors just look at them and give them a treat. It’s tough being a dog. Especially if you can’t type.

Otherwise, things on the boat are going great. I’ve got my routines and, oops! time for my nap and a little massage before dinner! Gotta run! Chow!